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Our shadows, in the context of shadow work, is the space occupied by our subconscious or unconscious self, the part of us that we often don’t want to be just flying around, out there in the public eye. It’s the part of us that we will do pretty much whatever we need to do in order to keep under wraps, under control and certainly holding a tight grip on.
The “law of attraction,” “manifesting,” “the universe”. They all play a role in the energy, experiences and relationships you create and attract in this world. Yet the ways in which we relate to all people and things is also incredibly influenced by the way we’re wired to see them, aka our attachment style. So how do you know which one really has your back?
When it comes to self-awareness, identifying what you’re feeling can be just the start. Understanding how you got there can take you on a path to growth.
Using times and experiences in your life, even if they were moments, to show and illustrate what you need instead of waiting to have big conversations around what you need and why you need it can totally change the vibe, comfort level and confidence you carry with you into all parts of your world.
When you’re ready to dive in and find your most authentic self AND THEN continue that growth, taking your new found self and bringing it into a partnership, that’s a BIG deal. It’s an incredibly powerful process with a lot of empowerment behind it but not without the hard and sometimes heart-breaking work of dismantling old stories, beliefs, and attachment styles and getting to know yourself and your partner in a whole new way.
How is it that in a partnership, two people can walk away from one conversation feeling so utterly different on the spectrum of connection and shame? Vulnerability and sharing our feelings is supposed to connect us, I mean, therapists (such as myself) push transparency like the new drug that’ll take you places you’ve never been. So how is it then that sharing something so vulnerable, so change-making for one person can take their partner into a shame spiral for days?
The ego is an impressive entity. With it comes a lifelong relationship we have with our identity, our shame, our doubt and our judgement. This sneaky little sucker is like the epitome of the worst party crasher. It shows up uninvited, never bringing anything, only taking.
It’s no coincidence that my therapy practice, Grow, is often described as “warm,” “comfortable,” and “not like a therapy practice.” This is the exact feeling I set out to cultivate when I imagined opening up a private practice for mental health in 2012. A space that felt like someone’s private living room, where they could sit with a cup of coffee or tea and feel comfortable opening up.
Many couples struggle with sex in some way at some point in their marriage. Sometimes, these issues can creep up out of seemingly nowhere and leave the same way as well. Other times, and more likely, sex becomes something we avoid, dread, or otherwise become numb to over a period of time. It can feel much more like just another duty versus an actual desire or want that you have, only existing to satisfy your partner.
Towns have been both damaged and brought together and people who’ve lost their voices or have been silenced are now being heard as opinions start forming and platforms are lifted. There is much to talk about and much to be said and yet for many white people right now, there’s deep confusion, feelings of displacement and a new shame we’ve not felt before.
The other day, I decided to hop onto Brené Brown’s new podcast, “Unlocking Us.” I’ve studied her work for quite some time since become a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator in 2015 under her organization, The Daring Way™. Many of my clients have talked about listening to her podcast and finding it helpful during quarantine. Anything that brings comfort, peace, humor, bits of joy, I’m all for right about now.
To me, Mother’s Day is a celebration of any woman, anywhere who cares or has cared for a single soul. Whether it be hers or someone else’s, it’s a day important enough to stand out. Yet inevitably, any time I talk to other women about Mother’s Day, come the stories of husbands everywhere who either don’t believe in celebrating this day for or with their wives or just don’t put in the effort.
We’re home, we’re stuck and “shelter in place” has gone from the stage of disbelief and enchantment to the now anger and sadness of loss, disruption and frustration. So similar to the ways and stages of grief that’ve been so articulately described in so many other online articles. Things feel difficult, sluggish, messy and people are getting on one another’s last damn nerve at this point.
“The ability to be alone is the condition for the ability to love.” - Erich Fromm. This quote struck my attention as I was scrolling well beyond my bedtime the other night. I’m assuming it was meant to be a message to us all from @arianahuffington as a bit of a beacon of light, helping us find our way through this unknowing time. “Yes!” I thought as I read it. “That’s it!” But I wasn’t thinking about the stay at home order or sheltering in place.
Judgement. It’s everywhere and in every realm and phase of life. We worry about it or we do it (one of the two) even when we don’t mean to. Sometimes out of a bad habit that’s been around awhile, and sometimes on purpose. And whether you’ve worked on it or not, have a reason for it (that you’ve convinced yourself of) or don’t, it’s there.
There’s really no way around emotion. We all have it, just as we all have thoughts and behaviors. Some of us are wired to think more logically, from our heads and some of us more emotionally, from our hearts. While logic and emotion often end up in conversation with one another, either one of these things can stand on their own. Yet emotion is often questioned, doubted or put aside for fear of logic proving itself to be right.